Meanwhile, in Bow tie Heaven
by BasiliskRules
Summary: In which the Rule of Fun prevails and an old fanfic resurfaces. Or, to quote the creator of the famous "Tenth Doctor, The Musical": "That's my new personal canon, by the way. When the Doc regenerates, his older self isn't gone, it just goes home and watches his current self on the TV."
1. Chapter 1

**Originally written in late 2014, but never posted here. I finally thought "why not?" Please excuse the unusual format.  
**

* * *

OoO

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2: You know, I wanted to mention it last time we met and I forgot: Those bow ties of yours; they're too…

3: What?

2: Fancy. Elaborate. It's like you're trying too hard. Oh, look at me being Edwardian James Bond of Science, that kind of thing.

3: They're _elegant_. And you're the one to talk anyway. Yours is _pre-tied!_

2: Aha! But that's for safety reasons! That way, nobody can strangle me with it!

3: And it looks like it's been stepped on by an elephant!

2: Well…

3: And is that a safety pin? Seriously?

2: Shut up.

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* * *

3: Oh, will you look at that! This new fellow's wearing one! Looking quite fetching too, with the tux!

2: About time! It's been like, what, 6 regenerations?

3: Well, of course! We just _had_ to be wearing vegetables, leather, and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, didn't we?

.

* * *

10: Oh no. What is he doing, somebody stop him.

3: What's the problem?

10: He… he's putting on a bow tie! Take it off, you fool!

2: And?

10: And? What do you mean "and"? They're bad luck!

2: Excuse me? I wore bow ties all the time, they're perfectly lucky, I assure you.

10: No, they're not! Not anymore! It's probably because of the Time War! Do you wanna know what happened every time _I_ wore one? They're freaking doom magnets!

3: Oh, are we getting superstitious in our old age?

10: No, we're drawing a valid conclusion based on established events and the considerable data at our disposal!

2: Well, maybe he believes he can take it. Looks like a promising fellow, this one. And who knows, they might not be that bad anymore. We'll just have to wait and see.

.

* * *

10: He looks okay, I'll give you that, but does he ever wear _anything_ except bow ties? I mean, come on, a little variety would be nice!

2: Ah, but you see, there is. He wears both red and blue. And I think he bought some purple ones the other day.

10: Still, are those things _glued_ to his neck?

3: It would seem like it.

2: Oh, stop pestering the lad! He knows what he's doing! And he does look… how did he put it? "Cool!"

3: You're only saying that because you never took that crumpled thing off either!

2: Well, yes! I honestly had more important things to do with my time than wasting it in front of a mirror! Probably just a little bit of nostalgia on his part, nothing wrong with that. "Good old days!"

3: I wonder if any of mine are still somewhere in the TARDIS…

10: Oh, in my time they were. There was this wardrobe, this big, huge wardrobe -opened it once and this weird umbrella fell on my head- well, two of yours were there.

3: Imagine that!

2: Well, I don't see him wearing anyone of those any time soon, his style's plainer.

3: With good reason! By the looks of him, he'd try one on and accidentally choke himself; that'd be embarrassing!

10: They're still unlucky though, I told you. Look, they're planning to kill him again.

3: Good Lord, don't these people have better things to do?

10: We should make a drinking game out of this!

2: You know, I think we should, those banana daiquiris of yours were absolutely splendid!

10: Thank you!

.

* * *

2: Blimey.

10: Damn.

3: Well, that was…

2: He took it off…

10: Ah, poor guy…

3: That was just _sad_.

10: Sad? This was physically painful to watch!

3: Damn right you are. And I didn't even like him that much at first. But you know, that's- that's dedication, right there.

10: (sniffs)

2: There, there. It's okay. He looked happy, at least… Happier than us two, right?

3: You can say that again…

10: Hey! This is a sensitive subject! It was a very, very difficult time for me!

2: And I was _executed_ by that stuffy lot! You keep your stiff upper lip during that!

3: Still, _you_ blew up half the TARDIS!

2: To be fair, that _was_ a dumb idea, flying her while regenerating. What were you thinking?

10: Well, I wasn't thinking, I just wanted to get away, go somewhere, anywhere! And he did it too, see?

3: Yes, real clever after last time. Stroke of genius.

10: Look me in the eye and tell me _you_ wouldn't have flown her one last time if you had the time, if you could.

3: …I would have.

10: And he hadn't even flown her in centuries, the poor man!

2: Still, I bet she'll be angry after this…

.

* * *

11: No, no, no, what is he saying?!

10: Oh God, what is it again?

11: They're _not_ embarrassing! They're cool! Something's gone wrong with his memories again!

3: Oh, I don't know about that. His fashion sense _is_ amazing.

11: He looks like a magician!

10: Yeah, he even said that…

2: Odd choice, yes, but who are we to judge?

11: I know, but a little bit of coolness never hurt anyone!

10: Oh, not this again...

3: I'm starting to hate them, I'll go steal and wear my successor's ridiculous scarf, honestly!

.

* * *

11: Haha! I called it!

3: What happened?

11: Well, he's on this train thingy, in space –-which I forgot to go to now that I think about it- very cool, and he's wearing one! I told you so! He put on a bow tie! Woooo!

10: Calm down!

11: See, see, I told you, even 12 thinks they're cool!

2: Well, it's not _exactly_ a bow tie, it's more like that Edwardian thing my predecessor wore.

11: Still, it's a step in the right direction! He's getting there!

3: By the way, why _isn't_ Number 1 here? He said he'd drop by to check up on the new fellow.

2: Oh, he's gone off to argue with Number 7 and your successor about who's got the best hat. Again.

11: Ha! I think we all know who has the best hat around here!

3: No. Just… no.

10: That… is a pink fez. With bright yellow feathers.

11: Precisely! Magnificence made flesh!

10: Well, I'll just call your wife then, see what she thinks…

11: No, you won't! Yeah, bring the Great Hat Destroyer on my head, why don't you? Shoot the top hat too while you're at it!

10: Let go of my tie, you'll ruin it!

11: Now, see, _that's_ why bow ties have an advantage. And _he'_ s getting it, finally, you go 12, you magnificent man! Called it! They're cool, and they always will be!

3: Alright, he's getting annoying, I'll hold him down, you go get his wife, okay?

11: Okay, okay, _fine_ , shutting up. (pause) But I _did_ tell you so!

(collective groan)

.

* * *

 **Even more hilarious in hindsight, because yes, Twelve, do explosively regenerate with the TARDIS in flight. After all, it worked _so_ well the last 4 times you did it, Doctor. No wonder she chucked your stupid arse into the stratosphere immediately afterwards. **

**Thank you for reading! To be continued. C** **omments are tremendously appreciated, and usually responded to.**


	2. Chapter 2

**The Doctors react to the cliffhanger of _Dark Water._ Hey, it was way funnier in 2014.**

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oOo

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(She is threatening to destroy my fez unless I say it. Oh, you bet she can do it in Heaven too... The rest of the Bow-tie Association agrees, I really don't have a choice here.

So, "spoilers".)

.

.

11: Hey guys, check out my new bow-warghhh!

(3 grabs him by the collar and drags him to a TV set. 10 and 2 are already watching with great interest)

3: Watch. This.

11: Hey, you'll ruin it! What kind of Bow-tie Association are we?!

3: Shut up. Just watch.

11: But-

10: Shhh!

.

.

(a while later)

.

10: WHAT?! WHAT!? WHAT!?

2: Holy sh-

3: Language!

2: Sorry.

11: Blimey.

2: Say that again!

10: I do not accept this!

3: That was…

10: She's what?! She…she's what?! How-how can she…

11: This is definitely, _extremely_ very not good.

3: You know, we really should have seen this coming.

2: Yeah, in hindsight it's really quite obvious.

11: I feel extremely privileged right now.

10: Oh, are _you_ ever, you don't even know!

11: Twelve, you poor, poor man, you are on your own. Thank _God_ for Trenzalore, dodged _that_ bullet! (fixes bow tie)

10: I abandoned you?! Well, what else could I do, what did you expect?! _I_ abandoned you, Mr. screw-you-let's-refuse-to-regenerate-just-to-spite-him?

3: Yeah, _my_ Master wouldn't do that! In fact, we'll have a few words about this later!

2: Well, if he's not gleefully conquering galaxies in that virtual reality of his again…weird hobby…

10: The dead- the dead people…WHAT!? HOW DARE YOU!

2: Yeah, the _real_ afterlife is amazing! You get to meet Einstein! Although he's always busy… and I had already met him anyway, so…

3: Pure twisted evil, lying, tricking and deceiving people like this to build your army, it's diabolical. I expected better of you!

2: How dare she use dead peoples' bodies and minds like that! Nice future this one, no standards at all!

10: She kissed him! Why...Why…Why?! I mean…

3: Yes, I really didn't need to see that.

10: First of all, you are _evil!_ Second, it was _never_ like that!

2: Yeah, right…

10: Shut it! Third, look at the poor bastard! NOT. INTERESTED. IN. FLIRTING. What do you not understand?!

11: Fucking Cybermen.

(everyone stares in shock)

11: What, I almost got upgraded, it ruined both chess _and_ amusement parks for me, I've got issues, alright?!

2: Well, they _are_ bad news…

10: They?! _They_ are the bad news here?!

3: Technically, they're the victims, these new ones at least…

11: Oh yes, they are…

10: How dare you. How _dare_ you. Is it because I like humans? Is that it?! First, you steal the living, all their bodies, now you steal the dead, is nothing sacred to you!?

11: THE PONDS' GRAVES ARE DOWN THERE, YOU COLOSSAL ARSEHOLE, GO DIE IN A FIRE!

3: Like that would stop her…

2: He. He can stop her. He'll fix this.

10: Well, he'd better damn do it quickly then, this is serious!

3: Yeah, will you please cease staring in a horrified manner at the Cybermen, Doctor, really not helping.

2: Come on, do something!

11: Seriously, Twelve, move your lazy arse!

2: The future of mankind is in your hands! Again!

10: We. Trust you. Allonz-y! Go! For great justice!

.

* * *

 **Like, how insanely awesome and awesomely insane would it be, if they _hadn't_ resolved this, and the whole of Series 9 was ROBOT. ZOMBIE. APOCALYPSE? **

**Kind of.**

 **To be continued...**


	3. Chapter 3

**Eleven and the fam react to _Death in Heaven._** **Once again, it was funnier four years ago.**

* * *

 _oOo_

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Amy: So, is this going to take long?

Rory: He said he's got to go persuade them and get snacks. "Five minutes".

Amy: Yeah, I remember _last time_ he promised five minutes…

Rory: Ouch!

.

* * *

11: Okay, come on, everybody out!

2: But we want to see…

11: You can watch it elsewhere! Please!

3: Young man, we wholeheartedly approve of your family outings, but you're inconveniencing all of us.

11: Come on, it's my birthday!

10: It's all of our birthdays!

2: And time doesn't work like that here anyway!

11: …It's our wedding anniversary with River?...

3: No, it isn't!

11: Guys, please, I promised, just this once. They want to know the whole story. And this place is the coolest!

2: Look, there's enough space, we could do this all together!

11: No, no, no, River will start flirting with all of you, and nobody will be able to watch anything! It's another thing when we're playing bingo! Oh, and by the way, you cheated last time.

10: In bingo!?

11: Yes!

10: Did not!

11: Did too!

3: Oh, there they go again, acting like five-year-olds…

2: He's right about his wife though. Remember last time with that Time Agent friend of hers?

3: Oh, goodness no!

2: Alright, we are leaving, come on.

11: Thank you! I will buy you all new bow ties!

.

* * *

Rory: So, did he say why we have to wear these bow ties?

Amy: He did: "Pond, _matching_ bow ties are even cooler!"

Rory: Well, obviously.

Amy: And something about a Bow tie Association, and River having an orange one and him being jealous?…he run off afterwards.

Rory: I suppose one proper explanation a day is his limit.

Amy: I still don't completely understand it though…

Rory: What did he say to you?

Amy: That a soul is different from an uploaded mind copy and it obviously has nothing to do with technology, and therefore it can't really be held by it and moves on. Probably.

Rory: Okay...

Amy: Although the copy is, of course, very important, just as real as the original and all that, and should be handled with care because under special circumstances you can do resurrections. Because time "knows" and keeps the soul in a stasis?...I think… And something about a Matrix. No, not the movie.

Rory: Oh.

Amy: And that it doesn't matter anyway, because once it's deleted you can still remember it in the afterlife, because it is a part of you and you merge with it; or something.

Rory: Hang on, by that logic, shouldn't he merge with his other selves?

Amy: Well, he _can_ do it if he wants to, they're all basically him; and they do have a connection anyway. But they prefer to hang around separately, since they have different personalities. They _are_ in a way, different people.

Rory: Personally, I think they all just enjoy the bickering.

Amy: That too.

Rory: The thing about the copy makes sense to me, though. It's like the way I remember being a Roman.

Amy: Oh, he _did_ mention it was kind of like the alternate reality when River didn't shoot him at Lake Silencio and then I remembered both... Yeah, that makes sense, I suppose.

Rory: That is…surprisingly coherent for him.

Amy: Well, I don't think that he completely understands it himself or _really_ knows what he's talking about. And then he started saying something about River and a library and echoes…and an impossible girl and time streams?... And I couldn't follow.

Rory: Thank God, I was a bit worried there for a second!

River: (enters) Talking about me, mum?

Amy: Yes, what is taking him so long?

11: PONDS! LOOK! FISH CUSTARD FLAVOURED POPCORN!

.

* * *

Amy: Wait, she's the Doctor?!

11: No, she isn't!...I think…

Rory: You _think?_

River: Sweetie, she's not even a Time Lord.

11: Chameleon Arch! Clones! Surgery! The Hairdryer of Rassilon! Take your pick!

Rory: I think… it would be safe to assume that she is bluffing?...you know?...to not get killed?

11: Oh. Well, yes, that makes sense, obviously.

.

* * *

Amy: Well, of course she's wearing a bow tie.

Rory: Great, now that's what we'll be hearing all week long…

Amy: A week? I think he'll be insufferably pleased with himself for at least a month!

11: Oh, look at you people. The universe keeps throwing evidence in your faces and you keep ignoring it! Of course they're cool! Hey Kate! (waves)

.

* * *

Amy: Hang on, isn't Clara still in that 3W office full of Cybermen?

Rory: I suppose…

11: Oh, by the way? Now that you mention it… Hey, idiots! I'm not trying to be a Grammar Nazi here…but technically, "Don't cremate me" is four words!"

River: Seriously?

11: If you're going to lie and evilly manipulate and deceive everyone, at least be grammatical about it, those people can do _nothing_ right!

.

* * *

11: Really, what's with everyone around here and handcuffs, honestly!

River: Oh, I don't know, I think she's got the right idea!

Rory: Okay, leaving!

Amy: Oh, come on! (drags him back down)

.

* * *

11: Blimey, how does he drink that thing?!

River: You know, new taste buds and all…

11: Yes, I know, but still! Any more sugar and he'll bloody regenerate!

3: Ha! He knows what he's doing. It's delicious! And it gives him the necessary energy that every Doctor needs! Well. Looking at the way you move, _you_ wouldn't, I suppose, we don't need you dancing around giggling and licking the walls…

11: How-what are you doing here?!

3: Forgot my drink. Your predecessor makes quite the banana daiquiris! I really ought to ask him for the recipe, sometime. Cheers for the new fellow! (Tips glass at 12 and leaves)

.

* * *

(laughter)

11: Oh, come on!

(more laughter)

11: It's not that funny!

(much more laughter)

11: Rory, you're spilling the popcorn everywhere!

(much, much more laughter)

11: Et tu Amy, seriously?

Amy: OH GOD, YOU'RE THE PRESIDENT OF THE WHOLE EA-AHA HA HA HAAA!

River: "Elect an idiot!" Aww, don't worry, you're still cute!

11: Right-

Rory: Those poor people are _so_ doomed, aren't they…

Amy: LOOK AT THE EXPRESSION ON HIS FAAACE!

11: Ponds, you're hurting my feelings. I'll have you know I was president on Gallifrey!

River: Oh, so _that's_ how the Time War started!

11: NOT. FUNNY.

(laughter)

.

* * *

All together: OSGOOD! NOOOOOO!

11: Seriously, I'll come down there and go Oncoming Storm on your arse!

.

* * *

River: That fall had style, though.

11: It was _okay_. Come on, anyone could do it. He didn't even say "geronimo"!

River: Sweetie, you're just jealous. And you'd have been flapping around like a giant penguin shot from a slingshot.

11: I wouldn't have!

River: Seen you.

11: Just-just because you've got practice…

Amy: Well, we _all_ do here…

11: Pond, that is _not_ funny.

Amy: Little bit. Dragged Rory to a bungee-jumping event in the early 60s.

Rory: It wasn't that bad in the end. (shrugs) Really.

.

* * *

Amy: That is _so_ sad.

Rory: I know…(hugs)

.

* * *

All together: KATE! YES!

11: Ah, thank God!

Rory: Okay, that was moving. And I haven't even met the man.

River: He looks so weird saluting anyone, though.

11: I know!

Amy: You know, you should go see him. _You_ could do it too.

Rory: Yeah, better late than never, right?

11: Oh, don't worry. I'm glad _he_ got the chance, but I really don't need to, Ponds. I did that 5 times first day I got here.

.

* * *

11: Well, _of course_ she was lying, what did you expect? (sigh) Serves me right for Rule 1, I suppose.

River: Oh, Sweetie…(hugs)

11: Hey, hey, I know you're upset, but no need to take it out on Sexy, alright?!

River: Bet she's feeling sad too…

11: You have no idea...Oh, Old Girl…

Amy: They both seriously need a hug.

.

* * *

11: NO. NONE OF YOU IS OKAY. STOP LYING TO EACH OTHER LIKE IDIOTS. Oh, yes, I forgot, silly me, YOU _ARE_ AN IDIOT! Come on, Clara, what's your excuse?!

Amy: That's gotta be the most depressing hug I have ever seen.

Rory: Yep.

11: Dammit, Twelve! You had one job! Nice going, now you'll both be miserable, see if I care!

Amy: You do.

11: Well, of course I do!

River: Well, things haven't gone exactly his way…

11: I told you to find Gallifrey and take care of Clara! So far you're failing spectacularly on both fronts!

.

* * *

Rory: Was-was that Santa?!

11: Well. Ah. Yes, obviously.

Rory: But... he's not real!

11: Honestly, Rory, after all you've been through, would it surprise you so much?

Rory: But… He can't be!

Amy: Why? Robin Hood was.

Rory: Yes, but-

River: That doesn't mean anything, he could still be an alien, an impersonator, a shape shifter…

11: What I don't get, is why _he_ is so surprised! Come on, we've met Jeff several times! We've got pictures together! Once, he even gave me a new sonic as a present!

River: Well, it _has_ been about a thousand years since last visit… Maybe he's forgotten?

11: How do you forget Santa?!

Amy: I see it more as: "What the hell are you doing in my TARDIS, go away, I wanna be miserable, grrr!"

11: Well, don't you dare! You be as miserable as you like, but Clara's miserable too, and We. Are not. Having. That!

River: You tell him, Sweetie!

11: You're gonna get out of your funk, solve this mess, help Clara, go make toys with the elves if you like, save Christmas! Clear? Good!

Rory: Seriously though, the amount of strange crap that happens on Christmas…isn't it weird?

11: Tell me about it! I've died _twice!_

Amy: Well, (pulls out laptop), according to TV Tropes, "Horror Doesn't Settle for Simple Tuesday".

11: Oh, no, no, Pond, what did I tell you, not TV Tropes, you'll be there for a week!

Amy: (shrugs) All the time in the world!

11: That is no excuse!

Rory: Hey, you know you've got your own page?

11: I do?

Amy: Yeah, there it is (clicks).

11: Ooooh, it's an index, love an index! (scrolls down) I AM _NOT_ A "COVERT PERVERT"!

River: Yes you are.

.

* * *

 **There is only one thing we say to serious matters. _Not today!_**

 **To be concluded...**


	4. Coda: The Heaven of Bicker-Buddies

**In which the format changes slightly, and I hope it's not too jarring.**

* * *

oOo

* * *

Huh. At least this one doesn't look like he'll give you a paper-cut if he tries to hug you. Impressive ears, though.

He clasps his hands together in a "here goes nothing" way and grins at her.

"So. How are you doing? I'm the Doctor. Hello!"

"Well, duh, I know that, I've seen pictures."

"Oh. Yes, I suppose you have".

"Sooooo…what are _you_ doing here?", she asks with an exaggerated gesture. And she regrets it immediately.

"Well. Today it's _his_ day to spend with Rose, you know, we take turns, usually. And then there's that clone of his too, nice fellow. We _could_ merge, I suppose, but hey, this works out fine; and we all have other people to see anyway. But normally there's no problem, we also spend days all together, we get along splendidly; besides, he can make _banana daiquiris_ and those are _fantastic_ -

"Oh my God, you're him alright, you Martian _rambler!_ "

"Yes, they say I do that." He adjusts his leather jacket. "Point is: he goes on and on about you, I'm curious, today I'm bored, came to see you. Nice to _really_ meet you, Donna Noble. As me I mean." he concludes, and shakes her hand vigorously.

"Likewise". A grin. "Wait. What does he say about me?"

"Oh, that you are amazing, brilliant, fantastic -no, wait, he doesn't say that, that's kind of my thing- magnificent…"

"Well, he'd better damn well say that after all we've been through!"

"And that it's an unusual stroke of good luck that I never met you."

"Oh? And why is that?"

"Um, to quote him: 'Imagine if Donna was _your_ companion! Oooooh, you'd get along like a house on fire! God help us, nothing would _ever_ get done! You two would be too busy sassing at each other! Nooo, you really shouldn't meet her without me, I'm not leaving you two alone. The afterlife would probably end in an explosion of bickering!"'

"Oh, is that so? Has the Space Dunce seen himself talk with his successor?"

"Quite right", he nods.

"You still came, though".

"Of course I did!", he grins.

"Hm. I think I like you". His face takes the patented "I am an awesome genius Time Lord" expression.

"I _am_ very likeable".

"And extremely humble too", she says, voice dripping with sarcasm.

"I'm beginning to see what he meant".

"Oi! What does _he_ know? Care to prove him wrong?"

"Ha! Of course! High-five!"

"Seriously? What are you, fourteen?"

"Aw, come on! Okay, mental high-five?" Now she can't help but chuckle.

"Alright. Mental high-five."

"Come along!" He grabs her hand enthusiastically. "Let Heaven tremble before the awesome might of the Bicker-Buddies!"

"Oh, that's a good one".

.

* * *

"Ah, molto bene, strawberry-flavoured, my favour-"

He freezes, a hand over the ice-cream, his face wearing the trademark wide-eyed "oh, crap" expression, sticky-uppy hair trembling expressively with emotion.

"What's wrong?"

"I felt a great disturbance in the Force", he quips.

"What?"

"Nothing. It'll work out okay, probably". He relaxes. "Well, if this place suddenly blows up, don't say I didn't warn you".

.

.

* * *

 **Because Donna and Nine, motherfuckers.**

 **Thank you for reading!**


End file.
